This isn't supposed to be a personal journal like my former Livejournal was. But with a million mixed emotions, I've gotta write it down somewhere. Tonight, I ran into a girl from high school and her mom while I was out with Kiah. As Kiah cut a jig next to me, the friend and her mom couldn't see her because there was a wall that we adults could see over, but blocked her from their line of vision. When they caught sight of her, and asked how old she was...I said "Four, she'll be five in June." And for a second, I couldn't breathe. Literally.
Since that encounter, the life of my little girl has played through my mind. The pregnancy that terrified and fascinated me. The moment in the hospital I knew that my life would wonderfully never be the same again. We had both fallen asleep while I was nursing her and I woke several hours later, astonished that I had not moved a muscle..she was laying in my arms just as she had been when I fell asleep sitting up. My comfort hadn't mattered, only hers. I knew then, that I could do this. This little 4 pound, 5 oz baby had completely won me over. The day spent in the incubator to fight off jaundice...with me crying as I had to watch her precious little eyes that wanted to watch this brand new world get covered and her tiny little body not be held so close to my own heartbeat. The beginning of wanting to hurt for my daughter, so she wouldn't have to.
We brought her home and did silly things and made silly faces to try to make this child grin. anything to get a laugh. and the day she did, it was the most magical sound i've ever heard. i took a million pictures to record just how tiny she was by putting her stuffed animals next to her and they were always bigger than she was. Every little thing about her won me over.
I blinked and she turned one. then two. three. and four. Where in the world does all this time go?! As I was filling in my 2013 calender, my heart sank at the month of August..because she would be 5 and be going to school. As a child, I wished my life away. I couldn't wait to be 16 to get my license. Now I despise driving. I couldn't wait to be 18 to be out of high school. Now, I realize high school was some of the best 4 years of my life. I couldn't wait to be 21 so I'd officially be legal to do anything I want. Now, I don't drink and turns out, 25 is the legal age for some things. By 21, I had been married a year, and pregnant with my first child. And now, at 26 -almost 27- I'm desperate for time to slow down so I can savor every moment with my child. She's special. God created her, formed her, protected her, healed her, and is continuing to bless me through her. I will be forever grateful.
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